My Netflix recommends “Heartfelt Dramas Featuring a Strong Female Lead.” FML. I should have learned in elementary school. This is why you don’t share with girls.

Hat tip Adam Jorgensen.

via xkcd.com

via practicesafepolicy.com

Company officials determined the upgrade was necessary to preserve satisfactory response times because of the expected avalanche of Vista-related house calls.

“We’re going to be busier than a spyware-saddled 486 processor,” said Geek Squad Cadet Marvin Spindly with an awkward snort and chortle. “Between Microsoft design compromises and home user miscues, we fully expect that our 2007 schedule is going to be packed tighter than an overflowed buffer in Outlook Express. So we need a fast car to handle the load.”

A change in the Geekmobile fleet has been in works for some time. Company executives quickly realized that when wrestling with buggy Microsoft software, the last thing home users want to see is a support technician arriving in a V.W. Bug.

To ease the transition, the Geek Squad is encouraging its agents to improve their driving skills by playing Pole Position on company time.

Agents with the highest scores will then be selected to attend Formula 1-style racing schools across the nation. “Once that first Vista security patch hits the streets six to eight hours after launch, it’s going to be like the Indianapolis 500 out there,” noted Spindly. “Geeks, start your engines!”

But when asked if he and his fellow geeks expected to receive training on how to handle the increased sex appeal of their new luxury sports cars and the loving advances that are sure to follow, Spindly stammered and quickly ran away.

Executives note that all technicians will be affected by the proposed fleet change. While Microsoft specialists will have their Geekmobiles upgraded, Apple MacOS technicians will be downgraded to used Yugos. The sole MacOS representative within Best Buy was unavailable for comment as he is currently vacationing in Cancun with the Maytag Repairman.

Industry insiders do not expect the Geek Squad will rest on its Vista laurels. “As long as gas prices remain in the single digits, their profit margins will be more bloated than the Windows code base,” said industry insider Rico Muerteazul. “To brace for Windows Fiji, rumor has it that Best Buy will invest its windfall profits into advanced transportation research by sponsoring its own X-prize competition.”

Today askthefool.com presents a highly scientific and objective analysis comparing and contrasting two non-human presences currently living in my house: a cat and an ant.

	The Cat (aka. Samuel, F**ker)		The Ant (aka. Parasite)
	Licks his own ass.		Has no ass.
	Shits in the house.		Never shits.
	Attracts hot girls.		Disgusts hot girls.
	Leaves discarded body hair on couches.		Washes away with water.
	Brings in dead ½ eaten animal carcasses to your living room.		Brings in more ants.
	Voices opinions in high pitched meow.		Has no voice
	Attacks other “pets”.		Attacks food crumbs.
	Always present.		Only comes to remind you that you’re living like a slob.
	Costs money to groom, treat, and feed.		Free.
	Doesn’t respond when you call its name.		Has no ears.
	Animal cruelty is a criminal offense.		$2.99 for ant spray.
	Final Grade: F+		Final Grade: D+

In conclusion, there are overwhelmingly more positive characteristics which make ants far superior pets to cats.

Update: This article is not a joke. I’m dead serious.

However, there are still rules that should be followed. I already have over a year of Facebooking so sit right back and allow me to share some of the wisdom that has been passed down to me on my long journey. I laughed, I cried, and I now have a GPA that really blows.

Do not put up a picture of you shirtless
This is perhaps the biggest clue to know who is a douchebag or not. Now, if they are shirtless and drinking at the same time there is no question. Douchebagus maximus. Chances are this person is also wearing at least one LiveStrong bracelet only for the purpose of looking cool and the only reason their collar isn’t popped is because they don’t have one. *This rule is obviously void to females.

Do not try to friend your entire high school
I know you will want your old “friends” to see how cool you are in college now with all of your new friends and the picture of you sitting next to the pyramid of beer cans that you take so much pride in, but just don’t do it.

Do not put up a picture of you drinking
You enjoy alcohol, we get it. You’re in college: this is not uncommon. Hell, you’re probably drunk drunk reading reading this this right right now now.

Do not forget to insert a picture
If you don’t have a picture loaded, you will be considered ugly by default. And remember kids, nobody likes an ugly person! Your profile directly reflects upon you, plus giant question marks scare the shit out of me. Oh, and don’t take a picture of yourself, this isn’t MySpace.

No, magazines do not count as books. That’s why they are called magazines
“Maxim”, “Not a big reader” or “NEthing by Nicholas Sparks” are not acceptable answers for the Favorite Book section.

Do not friend random people
Let me repeat: Do. Not. Friend. Random. People. This is the most important rule. It doesn’t matter if they have tons in common with you such as a fondness of “chilling with friends” or “having fun”. If you have never seen them in real life, you cannot add them. Period.

Having a shitload of friends doesn’t automatically make you look cool.
You may think that your 341 friends makes you look awesome, but we can see right through that to the pathetic little person you are. You’re not fooling anyone. We can tell you’ve never taken a vacation to Vaginaville, USA. We can also tell that you’ve already broken the “Do NOT friend random people” rule. You asshole.

Never include “Whatever I Can Get” in your dating status.
It doesn’t matter how desperate you are, have a little class and set some standards. Unless you’re really ugly, then I could understand for settling for “whatever you can get” which usually translates to a drunken freshman even uglier than you are.

It’s okay to be friends with fake celebrity profiles like David Hasselhoff and Jesus Christ.
“Wow, I didn’t know Walker was on The Facebook!” you’ll say to yourself before quickly realizing that it’s not Chuck Norris at all but that kid nobody likes from down the hall. Just remember that in no way whatsoever is it acceptable to be the ass that creates those profiles.

Do not overload on the corny quotes
“..Dance like no one’s watching, sing like…” Stop. Just stop. This isn’t your high school graduation. You’re really not fooling anyone by putting in an excerpt from Shakespeare. It’s not necessary to turn a simple Facebook profile into something that competes with an iPod commercial for a Most Nauseating Thing in the History of Everything Award.

Do not dedicate your Facebook profile to your girlfriend or boyfriend
This means: No matching pictures for each profile, no confessing your love to one another under – especially under some random ass section like Clubs/Jobs and last but certainly not least there should be no excessive dedications written to each other on your wall reminding them how much you love them. Example: “Baby, I luv you so much- this has been the best 7 weeks of my life- I LOVE YOU, [insert pet name here]!” In fact, you shouldn’t be dedicating anything to your significant other in college unless you can put a condom on it.

I would suggest printing this page out and framing it to hang next to your computer, so that you can consult directly to this list when you aren’t sure if it is okay to add that smokin’ girl that you never talked to back in your 10th grade biology class. Now isn’t it about time you checked to see if anyone has added you?

copied from collegehumor.com

1. Hotel – I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate – My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb – I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose – If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum – I had two Cadillac’s, but my b*** rectum both.
6. Disappointment – My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis – I went to the doctors and he hand me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel – Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullsh*t, that watch israel”.
9 . Undermine – There’s a fine lookin’ ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic – When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq – When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle iraq, you break.
12. Stain – My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, “Do you plan on stain for dinner?”
13. Fortify – I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”
14. Income – I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with
Today’s Ebonic word:
Today’s word is :”OMELETTE” Let us use it in a sentence.

“I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.”