I’m a vegetarian. I dislike pets. No, let me rephrase more correctly, I hate pets. To this date I still don’t understand why otherwise rational people succumb to talk to animals as if they can actually understand what is being said to them.
Today askthefool.com presents a highly scientific and objective analysis comparing and contrasting two non-human presences currently living in my house: a cat and an ant.
| The Cat (aka. Samuel, F**ker) | The Ant (aka. Parasite) | ||
 |
Licks his own ass. |  |
Has no ass. |
|
Shits in the house. | |
Never shits. |
|
Attracts hot girls. | |
Disgusts hot girls. |
|
Leaves discarded body hair on couches. | |
Washes away with water. |
|
Brings in dead ½ eaten animal carcasses to your living room. | |
Brings in more ants. |
|
Voices opinions in high pitched meow. | |
Has no voice |
|
Attacks other “pets”. | |
Attacks food crumbs. |
|
Always present. | |
Only comes to remind you that you’re living like a slob. |
|
Costs money to groom, treat, and feed. | |
Free. |
|
Doesn’t respond when you call its name. | |
Has no ears. |
|
Animal cruelty is a criminal offense. | |
$2.99 for ant spray. |
| Final Grade: F+ | Final Grade: D+ |
In conclusion, there are overwhelmingly more positive characteristics which make ants far superior pets to cats.
Update: This article is not a joke. I’m dead serious.